It had been a full year since my last IVF cycle at the public clinic.

I had no regrets about taking a break, though the torture of stagnation nearly killed us. We had not yet decided to quit trying, but we weren’t actively pursuing treatments either; we sat in a space of torturous limbo, wishing someone would just tell us the outcome in order to end our misery so we could move on with our lives.

YES or NO. Just tell us!

I wasn’t sure how much more torture I could put myself through physically (mentally, emotionally and financially), and unfortunately I hadn’t yet met someone with my severity of endometriosis that had had success (most of my friends had PCOS, mild endo, or low sperm count) so I felt completely alone and hopeless.

Once again I found myself at the medical library at the hospital researching severe endometriosis and IVF success. I was looking up “endometrial receptivity” when I came across an article that stated that the women with severe endo, in their study, dropped out of IVF sooner that those with mild-moderate endometriosis.

They found that women with severe endometriosis appeared to have an average of 2-3 cycles before giving up. They stated that the other participants eventually had success, and they said that women with severe endo might have success as well if their drop out rate wasn’t so high.

I gulped.

I completely understood.

People think that IVF is IVF – that all IVF is equal. Well, it’s not.

Those of us with severe endometriosis go through a significant amount of physical suffering with each stimulated IVF cycle (one of the reasons we drop out after a couple cycles). Now I am not saying that other women don’t suffer with IVF, I am just stating that our physical suffering is enhanced due to our pre-exisiting conditions (chronic pelvic pain, IBS symptoms, multiplied and sensitised nerve endings etc.).

People also have limited understanding of the difference between Clomid (the pill you take to help you ovulate), IUI (Intrauterine Insemination: which is essentially a bit of help with timing and sometimes ovulation – “Let’s put some sperm up your vagina when you ovulate and hope it finds the egg.”) and IVF (In Vitro Fertilisation – the full shebang).

But people also don’t realise the difference between a “fresh” and a “frozen” IVF cycle; most frozen cycles are a piece of cake compared to a fresh/stimulated cycle. 

So here I was, embarking on my third STIMULATED cycle. I picked up the boxes of injections and medications and felt the familiar sensation of conflicting emotions – excitement vs apprehension.

The research study I had stumbled across that day had a profound impact on my decision to keep going, but I WASN’T going to keep trying endlessly: I needed to find the right doctor first – and I did. 

When he told me that my window for success was in the first 4 months after surgery, and also that my Natural Killer Cells (NKu) were high, I felt an intense relief knowing that, once again, my gut feeling had been right. I had known in my soul that I was never going to have success if I just kept going with IVF, but I obviously hadn’t known why: I FINALLY got the answers I was searching for.

The day I started my injections again I was overcome with conflicting emotions. My husband and I started to feel a tiny glimmer of hope again, though we still remained reserved as we had discussed this IVF cycle as being one of closure: we couldn’t walk away or move on with our lives until we knew we had tried EVERYTHING, for as tortured as we had been the last few years, living with “What if?” for the rest of our lives would probably kill us as well.

There were, of course, the friends and family members who felt entitled to an opinion on a situation they knew nothing about. “When will you accept that this is not going to work for you?” they would say with, what I assumed to be, genuine concern.

All I can say is, “Unless you are in it – zip it.”

So here we were……..doing IVF one last time for closure, though I secretly admit that I began to hope again – especially after “the sign” I had received in December. I felt foolish for allowing hope to resurface, but I couldn’t help myself; things just seemed so different this time.

• I was on a much higher dose of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone).
• I was on an extra injection/medication, called Luveris, to help enhance the production of my follicles (the fluid-filled sacks on the ovaries with the eggs inside).
• I had had surgery again, so my endometriosis was removed – a clean slate.
• I was on steroids now to suppress the Natural Killer Cells so my body wouldn’t reject the embryos.
• I had done a month of Testosterone (that would hopefully help with egg quality and quantity).
• I was also taking melatonin and coQ10 (to also aid in egg quality and quantity).

When we had a scan the following week and I had 15+ follicles, I definitely couldn’t help but get my hopes up. Maybe we would get some “frosties” (frozen embryos) after all. I’d give anything for a little stash – a little stash of eggs, a little stash of hope.

Having that many follicles though caused me excruciating back and pelvic pain, as well as severe abdominal bloating. Luckily I had taken time off work for this cycle, because I soon found myself bed-ridden and breathless – propped up by multiple pillows – counting down the days until my surgery for egg pick-up.

The day for surgery FINALLY arrived and I went into theatre/OR with the consoling relief of knowing that I would get to sleep through this procedure; I was still traumatised from being awake during my last two egg pick-ups. The delicious darkness soon enveloped me as the anaesthesiologist pushed the sedation through my IV line.

When I woke up in recovery I had the number “16” written on my hand and I nearly burst into tears.

Sixteen! I’d never had so many eggs before!

As we drove home we allowed ourselves to relish the sensation of hope again……..but I wish we hadn’t, because the higher we allowed ourselves to rise……..the harder the fall was going to be.