“Complicated” is an understatement.

Nothing can prepare you for “Survivors Guilt”.

You spend YEARS thinking that if you could just get pregnant, then nothing else will matter.

Truth be told, you’ve got tunnel vision. And that’s normal: it’s ok.

Then suddenly there’s an onslaught of unexpected guilt: you are on “the other side” while close friends continue to endure the painful torture of IVF.

It’s a form of Survivor’s Guilt.

“Why me?”

The complicated question that strangely embodies both sadness and happiness.

“Why me?” – when questioning the infertility.

“Why me?” – when you get pregnant (and your other friend didn’t).

“Why me?” – when both embryos took and I got pregnant with twins (when other friends also had two embryos put in but only ONE took).

“Why me?” – when I birthed healthy (even though premature) twins, and my friend lost both her twins at 23 weeks.

Working in the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit for almost 15 years gave me a front row seat to witness “Survivor’s Guilt” on a daily basis.

I’ve witnessed the profound grief of parents who have a baby with a congenital cardiac anomaly (deformed heart); compounded by the torture of waiting FOR surgery, waiting DURING surgery (longest day of their life) and waiting AFTER surgery for their baby to heal so they can hold them in their arms again (or possibly for the first time)……..this is literally “Hell on Earth”.

And when you think it can’t possibly get worse, it gets MORE complicated.

The baby next door also has a heart condition; perhaps the same diagnosis, or maybe this baby has even more complicated “plumbing” issues in its little heart.

The parents of both these patients bond over their babies’ heart condition during a cup of tea in the parents’ lounge.

It feels SO good to talk to someone who really understands – who truly gets it.

Family members can be supportive, though sometimes draining as they require constant explanations, reassurance and updates. It’s so nice to debrief honestly with someone who shares your grief. Both sets of parents feel better after this debrief.

Then both babies have surgery.

The parents of my patient gleam with joy at the news that everything went well during surgery, while almost simultaneously fainting with relief and exhaustion from the stress of uncertainty.

Then they look at the baby next door and suddenly slump in their chairs, weighed down by unexpected guilt when they see the abjection and hopeless tears of the parents next door – because their baby has had some complications and is not doing so well.

The parents look at me helplessly, torn apart by these intense emotions. “I feel so guilty,” they confess.

My heart aches for both sets of parents.

It is SO unfair.

I assure them that these complicated emotions are normal. As nurses and doctors working in critical care, we see this unfold every day.

It is a very unpredictable and shocking emotion that they were not prepared for when they had their 20 week scan – when the doctor at the Maternal Foetal Medicine Unit sat with them in silence as they tried to digest the news of the cardiac diagnosis and what that would mean for them and their baby.

Who can prepare parents for that journey?

To say to them that one day they might sit in ICU feeling guilty that their baby’s surgery went well, when the baby next door might not even make it?

Who can prepare a woman going through infertility for the overwhelming feelings of guilt when her IVF cycle finally works, and the friend that she bonded with during this time of great tribulation has not yet (or may never) have success?

These are heavy and complicated emotions.

I have no answer as to the WHY but I have learned that these contradicting emotions can CO-EXIST and that it’s NORMAL.

When you know something is normal, then it feels a little bit lighter.

We know that both guilt and comparison are not particularly useful in any situation, especially in grief, but it would be unrealistic to think that we can control guilt and comparison.

What we can do is acknowledge that it’s normal to compare and that it’s normal to have guilt.

What we can do is hold guilt lightly and NOT allow it to control our behaviour and decisions.

What we can do is catch ourselves comparing and gently remind ourselves that it is NOT useful (though at times it may help us with perspective and gratitude); if comparison results in the suppression of your grief though, then that can have hazardous consequences as well.

And finally, we can recognise that each journey is different and EVERYBODY has a chapter of suffering in their life. If it is not their time now, I can tell you with 100% certainty that their chapter will come.

Grief and Suffering do NOT discriminate.

And the timing of this particular chapter is completely out of our control.

All I can say is…….

Trust in the Timing of the Universe.